Rob and Kristi
And all the zaniness that ensues..
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Because Y’all Gone LOVE The Hot Pocket

Feb24
2008
Rob Written by Rob

One of the interesting side effects to being engaged is that suddenly, you start finding weddings funny. Not yours, of course: with every day being consumed with tuxes, florists, discussions about cake, family navigations, and of course money, the best any of us can really hope for is the opportunity to laugh at the weddings of others. And thank God, reality TV rides to the rescue.

Every so often Dr. Phil is good for wedding and engagement insanity. Bridezillas is pretty good for full-on complete high maintenance bride meltdowns. And if money is your main obsession during this blessed time in your life, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding is great for ridiculously, insanely expensive events, incredibly spoiled brides and grooms walking around with heart medication all the time for those “HOW much does that cost?!!” moments.

But nothing, I mean nothing, beats My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT.

I. Love. This. Show.

It’s got EVERYTHING!

Drunks. Dimwits. Dimwit drunks peeing on florists!

The bride who misplaces her teeth on the morning of her wedding.

The groom who goes hog hunting for his bachelor party, because if he don’t get himself caught a hog, them guests ain’t getting nothin’ to eat at the wedding.

The bride who buys her wedding dress “on the World Wide Web”, which arrives in a small Fedex box – 20 sizes too small. But that doesn’t stop her from trying to get her size-28 self into a size-8 wedding dress, with hilarious results.

The groom who scores his wife’s wedding present from a bowling alley claw machine.

Another groom who fishes his wife’s wedding present out of a dumpster.

The endless sea of camo wedding attire.

The pig chase, where the first wedding guest to successfully slap a t-shirt on a muddy, irritated pig gets ten bucks.

And of course – the MUDDIN’! Because nothing says “wedding” like a woman in a white wedding dress blasting through mud puddles in an ATV.

To top it all off, My Big Redneck Wedding is hosted by Tom Arnold. Yes, that Tom Arnold.

The best episode so far was Gail and John’s wedding. Gail was the one who lost her teeth and attempted to cram herself into a size-8; John was the one who peed on the florist and got Gail’s present out of a bowling alley claw machine. They made their arbor out of beer cans and Christmas lights! The whole thing was a trainwreck from start to finish, but the best part was John, writing his wedding vows, running his thoughts by his mother (aka Granny) for her opinion.

John (reading): “’I wish I could put your love in a locket because your hotter than a Hot Pocket. We did it in the backseat, we did it in the zoo, I don’t care where we do it as long as it’s with you.’”

Granny: “I LOVE Hot Pockets!”

Watch the romance fly on YouTube!

So I’ve been walking around the house all week saying, “It’s kinda like a HOT POCKET” in my best Forrest Gump voice. Driving Kristi absolutely mental with it, but damn, Redneck Wedding just done covers all the bases and throws a patch of muddin’ in for the ride. Serves her right, marryin’ a Florida boy.

Posted in Everyday Life, Romance, Wedding

Rings and Vets

Feb20
2008
Rob Written by Rob

Today was our first somewhat normal day in over a week. We’re both healthy enough to work, and even though I’m still coughing and Kristi’s still sounding way ragged, the house is running again and no one is praying for death. That’s a major improvement over how things were around here just 48 hours ago.

Laundry’s caught up again. Bed’s made. That ungodly mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen are now washed and put away. The floor’s swept and Sam’s water dish is cleaned and refilled and I’m catching up on delayed client jobs and Kristi’s using her recovering-sick-person status to guilt her students into behaving. So life’s back on the tracks.

The last week hasn’t been all sickness. First, the rings arrived! After months of deliberation and discussion, we recently settled on the white gold ring styles and made the purchases. Mine’s a simple brushed wedding band; for Kristi’s ring, we decided to get two thin diamond anniversary bands and then have the jeweler solder them on either side of her engagement ring. My ring’s going to have to be sized slightly down yet and we haven’t done the solder on her rings, but they’re going to be beautiful. We tried them on shortly after my ring arrived, and for a moment we both just kind of stared. We’ve got our wedding rings!

In other news, Tuck had his first vet visit in California last Friday, right in between my recovery and Kristi’s fall. We’d been delaying it for as long as we could, but Tuck finally ran through the 90-day supply of meds I bought before leaving Florida. It all went very smooth; Tuck was very well behaved, I somehow managed not to throw up in the waiting room, and best of all we actually got out of there for less money than Tuck’s typically one-month supply cost in Florida. And thank God for that.

While Kristi was comatose, Sam and I had a few bonding moments over oranges. I’d go out on the back porch in the morning and we’d split one off our big orange tree in the yard – we’ve had a big crop this year and they grew out big, sweet and juicy. I can’t help it; I’m from Florida, we take our oranges seriously. A good orange is a big deal. Well, turns out that Sam loves oranges, so we’ve got that.

Kristi says though that Sam’s butt has turned orange. I don’t see it, but then I’m not really looking hard.

Posted in Everyday Life, The Animals, Wedding

Cough Cough Cough

Feb15
2008
Rob Written by Rob

Now Kristi’s down with it, too. This flu/cold/whatever it is knocked me flat for two days. Two days after that, I’m still camped under a blanket on the couch hacking my lungs out. Her cough started settling in last night.

So this morning we passed a new milestone in our relationship: coughing each other awake in the morning. In sickness and in health, right?

Posted in Everyday Life

Small Steps, Big Footprints

Feb12
2008
Rob Written by Rob

Mind if I tell you a story?

About three years ago I landed an assignment with a regional Florida magazine. The ME (Managing Editor) was new and she had a problem. The owner of the magazine had sobered up enough to actually remember an article idea that a golfing buddy of his was sure that the magazine had to cover. So the owner stomped into the fledgling ME’s office, told her to get a story done on “strawberry schools”, and then wandered back off to the golf course.

She passed it off to me. She had no idea what “strawberry schools” were. Neither did I, but that’s why magazines hire writers: to go figure it out and explain it to others. It took about three weeks of research with the USF history department and driving around rural east Hillsborough County before I was able to figure out what the heck a strawberry school was. The term referred to prewar rural primary schools in Florida, whose annual schedules was timed to coincide with the strawberry harvest. These schools for farming kids generally offered a lower standard of education than metropolitan schools until the state standardized the Florida school system in 1947.

The basic story was easy to get. A few phone calls and a web search got me that. Harder to get was the real story – not just the academic version, the dry tale of Floridian school modernization, but an actual story of real people in real conflict who actually cared about the battle fought over the strawberry schools. After three weeks I hadn’t found anything like that, and so I’d begun to despair of having any chance of writing a decent piece.

Finally in desperation I took a day, hopped in my little Toyota Camry (that didn’t have A/C) and drove down to the little town of Turkey Creek, Florida. Most of the strawberry schools were long gone; only a small few made the difficult transition to the modern school era. Turkey Creek Elementary was one of them. It was a long shot and I knew it, but it was all I had, so I packed a tripod, digital camera and tape recorder and went hunting.

As it turns out, I got lucky that day. The school secretary at Turkey Creek knew a local man who collected history of the area, particularly of the original Turkey Creek strawberry school. He was amazingly helpful with information, photos and interviews with surviving students and teachers. Best of all, the building itself was still intact; the schoolhouse, dating back to 1899, had been refurbished and restored and stood in a corner of the grounds of the modern Turkey Creek Elementary.

The doors had been closed and locked for years. Even though the building had been restored, the locals had been fighting with Hillsborough County (seated in Tampa) for funding to reopen it as a school library. They’d been fighting unsuccessfully for almost ten years. It was ironic; sixty years had passed, and it was all still the same rural/city conflict that I was writing about. It made for a good story – I told a brief history of the building and ended it on a short coda about the fight to reopen the building as a historic landmark. I submitted the piece, it ran in the next issue, I got paid, I moved on.

About a year later, I got a phone call from Sonny – the local historian who helped me so much with researching the piece – with some news. I hadn’t spoken with Sonny since I’d finished the article. Anyway, turned out that the building finally got funding, and that there were a lot of very happy people in Turkey Creek. Years of fighting the county had finally paid off and everyone involved in Turkey Creek were enjoying the victory. I congratulated Sonny and told him that I was happy to hear the great news. That’s when Sonny told me the rest.

Turns out that when the article ran, the locals liked it so much that they took another run at the county seat to get the funding. When the moment of decision came, someone dropped my article on a county commission conference table to make the point that their school was getting statewide media attention. Someone then read the article and next thing we knew, the library had its funding. Ten years of unsuccessful battling with the county finally hit a victory, thanks to something that I had written.

It was a revelation to me. And not a little bit scary. Up until that point I’d thought of myself as basically a guy who wrote things and then sold them; I’d never really considered any particular moral aspect to what I was doing, and it never occurred to me that I was actually impacting the world around me. That was a humbling experience, one that completely changed how I thought about writing. How I thought about morality and ethics in general. To realize that a relatively small effort can make such a large impact – positive or negative – on other people is to learn how to step softly and walk carefully. Because small steps can still leave big footprints.

Last few days, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Why people do what they do. The consequences of shortsighted intentions and selfish motives. Bigger pictures, larger roles, deeper truths and wider importances. And about the need to tread lightly but confidently – because while making a false step can bring pain, refusing to accept responsibility for your footsteps only condemns you to an existence of meaningless, clumsy blundering. And condemns everyone else in your midst as well.

It’s just a shame that some people don’t see that choosing not to decide is still a choice. Responsibility lands regardless.

Posted in Everyday Life
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