> LOOK
Living Room
You are sitting in your living room, and two of your three cats are entirely freaked out at this point. Veruca remains sleeping in the bedroom and doesn’t really care, but Monkey is on full scale red alert and Zion is pacing the living room, muttering something in Siamese that translates roughly to “This is BAD, BAD shit is going down guys, just oh god this is BAD..”
The kitchen door is closed to the south.
A steady thunder rumble can be heard from the general direction of the kitchen.
Your wife is reading funny stuff on the Internet.
> ASK ZION ABOUT KITCHEN
Meowwww.. translated roughly to “BAD shit. BAAADDD shit.”
> ASK WIFE ABOUT INTERNET
“This just never ends,” she says. “1800 pages on Television Without Pity about Little House on the Prairie. ‘That time Thylvia Got Raped By A Mime!'” Your wife laughs in the reflection of distant childhood memories of bad television.
> ENTER KITCHEN
You can’t, due to the closed door being in your way.
> OPEN DOOR
Which door would you like to open?
> OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR DUMBASS
I don’t know the word ‘dumbass’.
> OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR
Opened.
> ENTER KITCHEN
Kitchen
You are now in what remains of your kitchen. The floor, previously a cheap yellow fake-hardwood laminate over 1940s-era vinyl, has been torn out down to the redwood house foundations. The kitchen sink is now in the garage. The lower cabinets and counter on the south side of the kitchen have been completely demolished, the salvageable bits covered and in storage in the garage. A gaping hole, punctuated only by a forlorn plastic gooseneck now jutting sadly out into empty space, is all that remains of the lower part of the south wall.
A large dehumidifier, a heavy duty fan and an extremely loud HEPA filter are here.
The living room is to the north, and the home office is roughly to the east.
A bowl from breakfast, still with a bit of granola and milk in the bottom, is rapidly drying out on the one remaining kitchen counter.
> WASH BOWL
While you COULD still use the kitchen faucet, you shouldn’t. Everything is still pretty wet. You’ll need to go wash it in the bathroom.
> WASH BOWL
Seriously.
> TAKE BOWL
Taken.
> E
Home Office
Welcome to the temporary camp kitchen. This small room that once housed your home office is now packed with most of the kitchen. The microwave, toaster, French press and other such items are on the chef’s table. The bathroom is to the east, and the kitchen is to the west.
A bag of frozen bagels, recently retrieved from the outside freezer, is here.
> TAKE BAGEL
You should put the bowl down first.
> DROP BOWL
I assume you mean ‘put the bowl down’, as opposed to simply letting it clatter to the floor in the mess, because this room is already enough of a mess as it is. You put the bowl down on the chef’s table.
> TAKE BAGEL
Done. A small layer of freezer ice clings to its stiff, cinnamon-raisin terrain.
> PUT BAGEL IN MICROWAVE
You put the bagel in the microwave, set it for fifteen seconds to thaw a bit so that you can cut it and put it in the toaster. After about ten seconds, all the electricity in this part of the house goes out. The roar of the kitchen equipment abruptly dies.
Your wife calls, “Babe? Did we just kill the circuit breaker again?”
> WIFE, YES
“God-DAMMIT,” you exclaim loudly, before marching outside to reset the breaker. That kitchen gear is maxing out the power in that circuit. You silently hope again that the insurance company is going to cover the power bill for that.
With the breaker reset, the power is back on and the roar has returned.
> TURN ON MICROWAVE
Have you learned nothing?
> PUT BAGEL IN TOASTER
The bagel is still in the microwave.
> TAKE BAGEL
Taken.
> PUT BAGEL IN TOASTER
[ You have scored 1 point! ]
Now was that so hard? You slice the partially frozen bagel and put it in the toaster, an act of courage which thus far seems to have not tripped the circuit breaker again. You may get some breakfast this morning after all.
> TAKE BOWL
Taken.
> E
Bathroom
You are in the bathroom, home of the only working indoor sink in the house. The hot water takes several minutes to get going, and the sink is small. The bathroom cabinet by the window is covered with an old towel. This is where you and your wife have been washing dishes for the last week, as few as they have been. Luckily, her parents have been very gracious about having you over for dinner this week.
> WASH BOWL
You turn on the hot water and set the bowl down on the towel. This will take a while.
> WAIT
You wait. The hot water will take a while.
> WAIT
You wait. The hot water will take a while.
> WAIT
Get used to waiting. Each estimate so far has indicated that it will be sometime in January before work is finished in the kitchen. They have to build new cabinets, which will take about three weeks all told. There’s new tile to select, and then the floor will be rebuilt, followed by the cabinet installation. And you still have to call the plumber and address the original water leak.
But hey. You’re getting a new kitchen, mostly courtesy of homeowners insurance. This could be a lot worse, so don’t complain.
> WAIT
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas.
> WAIT
The water is slightly warmer now.
The bagel just popped up in the toaster.
> WAIT
The water is slightly warmer now.
> SAVE
Game saved.
> RESTORE
The game file you selected appears to be from an older version of Kitchen Nightmares, most likely designed originally in the early 1940s, and it cannot be recovered. Would you like to restore from the latest modern version?
> YES
Restored.
> TURN OFF SINK
The tepid water ceases to flow into the bathroom sink.
> W
Home Office
Your bagel is getting cold.
> W
Kitchen
A large dehumidifier, a heavy duty fan and an extremely loud HEPA filter are here.
> LOOK AT DEHUMIDIFIER
It has been running solid – except, that is, for the occasional blown circuit breaker – for 151 hours now. The floor is still not completely dry yet. But hey, look on the bright side. No mold, no asbestos. A little mildew, and the kitchen has that funky mildew smell, but it could be worse.
> N
Living Room
Your wife is on the phone with the insurance company.
Zion continues to pace nervously.
> WHERE IS MONKEY
I don’t see Monkey here. Monkey may have been eaten by a grue.
> WHERE IS MONKEY
I think I saw her heading towards the kitchen. Did you close the door when you came back into the living room? You probably don’t want the cats in there.
> GODDAMMIT
I don’t know the word ‘goddammit’.
> QUIT
I’m afraid that is not an option.
> HELP
I’m afraid that you are most likely beyond help. There is, however, an Elvish sword of great antiquity here, and a large rug in the center of the floor that appears to have an upturned corner that indicates that it has been moved recently. A brass lantern sits atop a large cabinet here.
No, I’m kidding. I couldn’t resist.
> GODDAMMIT
I don’t know the word ‘goddammit’. Maybe if you rephrase?
—————————————
[Ed. – It has come to my attention that some folks out there might not get the references here. Back in the 1980s, there was a computer game company called Infocom, and they made very popular text adventures, including one called Zork.
They tended to play much as the above. Whenever you’d venture into a dark room, the game would tell you that you were likely to be eaten by a “grue”: a monster in the dark that would actually eat you if you stuck around for a few more turns. The Elvish sword, rug, lantern and cabinet are likewise from the opening of Zork, a scene which also took place in a living room one door removed from a kitchen in a little white house.]