Eugene

“Get me my Maglight.”

“Where is it, hon?”

“Basket by the bed, under some books.”

.. padpadpadpad..

“Find it?”

“Yeah, it’s here.”

Click. Lots of peering into the murky depths.

“Man. That’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, I know. This sink’s never drained right.. one more thing we can thank the last owners for. I don’t even want to think about what’s down there.”

The drain plug lever assembly has already been mostly taken out; an accidental slip of the pliers dropped part of the assembly down into the S-pipe. The pipe will have to be pulled to get it back out, but that’s a job for another night.

“Well anyway, the drain plug’s off. Maybe, what? Baking soda and vinegar? Is that what Kim and Aggie would do at this point?”

Quick kiss. He’s been paying attention!

“Guess we could try.”

“I’m going to go Google it. Maybe there’s some sort of exotic combination of ketchup, salt and lemon juice that unclogs a drain.”

“Okay, babe.. go consult the Great God Google.”

.. padpadpadpad ..

“Find anything?”

“Baking soda and vinegar.”

.. padpadpadpad ..

Lots of acids and bases dumped down the drain. Lots of elaborate fizzing action.

“Babe, I’ve got a longer screwdriver than this.. garage, on the workbench?”

“I’ll get it.”

.. padpadpadpad ..

“This it?”

“Yeah. Man, this is disgusting.”

“The vinegar didn’t do anything?”

“I think we just annoyed it.”

“Run some hot water.”

Hot water pools on the sink bottom. It drains very slowly.

“I’m gonna plunge it, hon. This is going to get messy.”

He grabs the toilet plunger and aggressively attacks the drain, sending water spray and bits of black goo everywhere.

“Well, we’re getting some of it.”

“This is disgusting, babe.”

More violent plunging. More black bits come loose, and then a small, hairy goo gob.

“Got some of it, hon. Keep going?”

“Guess so. No, wait.. hold on.”

She starts digging again in the drain with the long screwdriver. She latches onto something.

“Hey – I think I got it.”

“You’re kidding. You got it?”

“I’m telling you, I think I got it.”

It puts up a fight; it doesn’t want to leave. But finally she pulls it up and out of the drain, accompanied by a sickening thhwaacckk sound.

“Hon, that’s disgusting.”

“It’s pretty big, too. And you can’t tell me that it’s all hair. Last owners were real pigs – and is a drain clog supposed to be that color?”

“Let’s call him Eugene, hon.”

“Fine. But I’m not feeding him.”